


Random

by altothex



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:18:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12329985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altothex/pseuds/altothex
Summary: Random thoughts and stuff separated into chapters/pages.Depressing“Funny”Weird





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Explit  
> Languig.
> 
>  
> 
> ?₩  
> ¡§

Living in Arizona is like if you fell ass first into a sandcastle inhabited solely by scorpions and cacti.


	2. Yep

I’d write a must read for English classes on American literature. But with no respect for grammar. Why? Because it’d piss off all the grammar nazi teachers.

It would basically be a yearly repeating, nationwide practical joke that would continue for decades long after I’m gone.  
That’d be great.


	3. 12 year olds.

(As of yet unused scene:) <~smiley face.

I don’t hate 5 year olds  
I hate 12 year olds.  
They’re just 5 year olds with inflated egos they think they are mature.  
Newsflash Tobuscus sucks.

“Hey tobuscus is funny”

Fuck tobuscus.

“Well I’m not as bad as a little kid. I don’t think that Santa is real or that cartoons are real.”

You ain’t mature for shit

“I know how sex works.”

Oh cool. Do you know how cat sex works?

“W-wh-“

Male cats penises are barbed. Which means of the female cat isn’t feeling it or doesn’t want it, they either deal with it, or they try to get it out and it rips apart their vagina flesh.

“Ewwww that’s gross.”

Hey mr adult man. You know a good deal about history right? So I assume I don’t need to go into much detail about who pol pot was right?

“Sounds stupid.”

He committed mass murder.

“You’re just saying bad stuff to prove I’m not a grown up, so fine I’m not a grown up but I’m not a kid either.”

Exactly. That’s why I hate you. You’ve got an ego that deserves to be put in check.  
I don’t hate kids, they have the innocence, the foolishness, and they don’t have an ego. I don’t mind kids below the age of ten.

*knock knock*  
*7 year old boy in spider man costume*  
“Trick or treat!!”

Sieg hiel. Get the fuck out.

*kid cries*


	4. It’s probably just me, right?

Have you ever had the thing happen where like you’re talking to a person and they kind of open up to you?   
And then they say something like “eh I just feel so lonely all the time, it’s not like anybody likes me at the moment”  
But unbeknownst to them:  
*plot twist* you have a crush on them, and you wanna tell them so badly because you want them to know that people do like them and people do have crushes on them, because you do? But you can’t? Because you’d out yourself as having a crush on them?   
Yeah that sucks. 

Randomly thought of this and wanted to share.


	5. Holy fuck.

Holy Fuck.  
Holy fuck. I just got dumped.   
Holy fuck the thing I've been terrified of finally happened.  
Holy fuck I'm alone.  
Holy fuck I'm not even sad.  
Holy fuck I just feel numb.  
Holy fuck I just realized I have no soul, is it because im gay?  
Holy fuck am I gay?  
Holy fuck I'm gay.  
Holy fuck I'm a mess.  
Holy fuck I need to redo my life.  
Holy fuck I can leave   
Holy fuck I can start over.  
Holy fuck I'm considering things I've never considered before.  
Holy fuck. What if I'm gay?  
Holy fuck what if I'm alone?  
Holy fuck what if I'm gonna die like this?  
(Gay and alone)

Holy fuck what if Alex jones was right?

...

Nah.


	6. Pre-test (for a grade.)

Pre-Test (For a Grade)  
I had a teacher in highschool who handed out a pre-test.  
I thought no big deal it's not for a grade.  
Someone asked him if it was graded.  
I thought that they were naive.  
He said yes.  
Yes.  
It was graded.  
We were being graded on things we never learned.  
I tried to point out the stupidity of this.  
He said "Kid,   
life is a graded pre-test."  
What the hell did that mean?  
It meant being expected to do things you were never taught.  
Being assigned to do work in a field you never studied.  
Being expected to know how to get along with a person you knew nothing about.  
never has a substitute teacher said anything more honest.  
Besides the one that admitted he was a registered sex offender.


	7. Evolution of Alex Jones.

The Evolution of Alex Jones.  
Godamnit. Why am I so alone?  
Why am I like this?  
Lashing out with anger?  
Why do people leave me?  
Is it because I can only convey intense anger?  
Or   
Maybe...  
Lord could it be?  
I've always wondered but...  
It's the government.  
They put chemicals in the water.  
And the air.  
They put chemicals everywhere.  
Lord. Obama is a demon.  
Hillary too.  
I know why they left me.  
I know what to do.  
I must tell the world.  
The world must know.  
All about this plot.  
I must show.  
Anyone who'll listen.  
Because it wasn't me you see.  
It was the government   
That made my kids leave me.  
They lied  
And they tricked.  
As I cried   
And I kicked,   
Myself in the back for being the problem.  
But I should've kicked myself in the back for being so stupid.  
But now I know better.  
I know whats happening to the weather.  
I can tell them  
I can tell them all.  
On this day  
They know.  
The frogs have turned gay.  
The truth of the amphibian fag  
Is nothing when they realize   
sandy hook was a false flag.  
And it won't be exceedingly long.  
Until Hillary opens that pickle jar wrong.  
For I am an American.   
I know the truth.  
I know about babe Ruth.  
(And that he was a reptilian)


	8. Chapter 8

If there were a race to be an adult.  
I'd be in last place.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explee  
> Langwig.

Greg insults:  
Sassy edition.

 

“I'ma.  
Bout.   
to punch a bitch”

 

“Would you like your anal cavity to go on a date with my foot? Cause that's where this goin.”


	10. Pillows are nice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddles are nicer.  
> (Depressie boi)  
> Translation: Depressing chapter.

I need a firm pillow.

I can't sleep.

I need a firm pillow. They are the best to cuddle. 

That's what she said to me.

Fuck she was right.

 

 

I can't sleep in these.

They aren't soft.

Not as soft as hers. 

Hers were always softest.  
Hers were always better. 

 

I'm so tired now.

And so afraid   
Of my guilt

Of my loneliness

Of my paranoia

 

I was so paranoid the other night

I needed her

I didn't have her.

That's my fault.

 

It's my fault

It's my fault. It's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it mysfaukt it's my fault fuck it's all my fault.

 

I can't go to brush my hair without thinking of how she thought I looked cute with messy hair.

 

I'm so much worse without her.

I can't dejected her pictures

 

I can't look at my dog.

I can't watch any shows 

Not without first thinking Of her

I don't want her to feel bad for me.

Because then she'd feel bad.

 

I need help though 

I need freedom from this force

This unrelenting pressure squeezing me so tightly I can hardly breath.

Fuck I can't even type that out without being reminded of her hugging me.

I just need her to squeeze me so tightly I can hardly breath.

I wanted that to line up vertically   
That's why I added the spaces 

Why the fuck did that stupid sentence remind me of her?

I'll tell myself why. Because it was the only thing I've said so far that didn't directly remind me of her, so it stuck out like a sore thumb. And I realized it had no reminder of her. Which of course made me thing if her.

Because I can't live apparently.

Help me.

 

Fuck it's 11:48 and I'm so tired that I can't sleep.

 

I missed her su much in New York before I broke up with her but I kept being distracted from how much I missed her.

 

When it happened I just kinda sat there.  
Empty  
Blank.  
Staring.  
At nothing.

Whenever it was cold   
I went numb with shock 

Whenever I saw skaro   
I got quiet.

I wanted to cuddle him ri mane myself feel better 

I couldn't I couldn't cuddle with anyone but her.


	11. Contin-you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More depressie bois.

I was wrong.   
I need her to know I was wrong but I can't tell her myself. I can't stand the thought of her getting mad...   
but Jesus I was wrong.

I was so wrong and it hurts. And I thought I was thinking clearly but i wasn't and I'm probably not now but I don't care  
I was wrong  
It wasn't what I said.  
Not at all.  
It want a fade out of my feelings for her.   
It was just my inability to deal with two things and I need her to know that.

I need her to know that it's because I couldn't take not being enough and I couldn't take not seeing her.

It wasn't my feelings for her. It was my insecurities about myself.

I felt so shitty that I wasn't enough to help her.  
Every time I couldn't cheer her up or even help her at all, I felt was my fault.  
I guess I still feel that way...

I felt so shitty that I couldn't see her.   
Every time we couldn't hang out or had to lie to her parents,   
I felt was my fault.  
I guess I still feel that way...

It's my fault they hate me it's my fault I'm not what they want   
It's my fault I'm not good enough it's my fault I could never help her when she needed it most.

But it sure as shit isn't her fault I broke up with her. 

 

I spent so much time thinking about her and not enough time talking to her...

I spent so much time worrying about her and not enough time being there for her.

Now is no different.

I spend so much time missing her, thinking about her. Every godamn day i don't send her something like this is a miracle.

The nights are the hardest.

My pillow just makes me sad.

I just get reminded of what I miss so desperately because I broke it off.  
Which I broke off because I thought I stopped loving her.

Which Jesus fucking Christ couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm so stupid for believing that.

How could I think that I stopped loving her when months after I can barely make it through the day without her. 

I wanna blame Lisa but I can't. 

It's my fault.

She was just the person that happened to be there.

If it were anyone else I'd have tricked myself into the same line of thinking.

The line of thinking that made me break off my first ever healthy godamn relationship with someone who made me truly happy for the first time in my life, not some pale, mutated imitation of happiness I forced upon myself because I was so desperate for it that anything even remotely related to it was good enough for me. 

And then I met her. And I did everything right.  
Or maybe not but the things I did wrong didn't feel like mistakes because of her. 

And then I fucked up. 

Like I always do.

And as always. 

I regret it.

Except this time it was my first real happiness I lost.

I'm just so tired of the emptiness.

So tired of not being with her, not talking to her, not waking up to her texts, not sending her dog pictures...

God I miss her so much

I need her to know

I need her to know so bad 

 

But I can't tell her myself because I'm a coward

And im so afraid of what I know she'll say.

She'll say too bad.

Your fault.

You lost out.

You made your choice and you have to live with it. 

That's life.

 

Fuck. I need... help.

Real help.

I need her to know but I just...

 

Part of me wants you to see that to her, part of me doesn't.

I want her to see it in the .009% chance she'll take me back.

But I don't because if the astronomically large chance it'll be a negative response which will spiral me into a soul-crippling depression-like state, itself only but a fraction of the pain and emptiness of the unending void she probably had to deal with because of what I've done to her.

 

I am.  
Really.  
I just can't go to sleep.

I'm afraid of what I'll see when I dream.

It'll be her. I know it will.

It'll be her angry at me. I know it will.

Im sorry I'm so sorry I'll stop texting you.


	12. Eugh...Boys...eww...Men...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boistoomen

I'm just so tired of being lumped in with all the "asshole men"

And 

"Boys are such assholes, oh no offense (me)."

"Men cheat more often the women"

"Men only think about sex" 

"Guys only want one night stands"

"They don't care about your feelings" 

I just want to scream 

"Go Fuck Yourself." To them... 

I know some of it is generalization

And some of it's true.

But. I just see all the guys that my friends (majority female) talk about. 

And I just always despised those people but I'm so afraid of being that person. 

That's why (x girlfriend) got to me when she'd say things like how I forced her into it or pressured her. And I'll admit some of it was me. But. I never tried to overstep my boundaries. 

But regardless of the truth. The thought that I could be that. That someone might lump me in. And say "He's just like all men. Typical boy. All men are horrible." 

I just.

 

This is why I get so touchy when people mention negative generalizations about men. Even when they are true.

It's been proven scientifically that men are more likely to cheat.

Or objectify. 

Or rape.

But I still hate it. Because it makes me feel horrible. 

 

I so desperately want to be the exception 

 

 

The thought that I might not be terrifies me.

Even if I am. It still feels like shit...

 

It's also why I think I get so uncomfortable with (female best friend at time of writing this), she has some pretty clear issues with adult men that stem from her Dad. Not trying to be mean or talk behind her back

 

But it made me uncomfortable that she hated most boys and almost all men.

And now I openly know why.


	13. I wanna make it to the 100 chapters I arbitrarily set for.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boi  
> Buoi  
> Buoy

bad BOYS bad BOYS whatcha gonna BOYS whatcha gonna BOYS when they come for BOYS


	14. Devils advocate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not that I support most pointless deaths in stories.

Everyone always gets mad when a character dies pointlessly. They always want the death to be meaningful for a character they like. But sometimes even the noblest of warriors trip on a brick on their way to a Starbucks.


	15. When I get mad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When someone says something and I want to sassily reply without actually fighting anyone:

who do you think you are?

 

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apple bees food is objectively worse than if you tried to eat an apple and took a bite only to find out that apple was comprised of thousands of bees that immediately began ferociously stinging your insides and dying while the rest on yeah outside start stinging you in the face and eventually swarm your whole body, meanwhile the bees on the inside have made their way to the other parts of your insides and started stinging and then promptly dying on, your various organs.  
> That experience is not as bad as apple bees.

Don't you think that joke is in bad taste?

So is apple bees, but it doesn’t stop them from continuing unimpeded.


	17. Attempt at an internet comment etiquette style of comment.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik would be disappointed.

Hey. As the ultimate warrior once poetically put it "Queerin don't make the world go round"

So there ya go. The valuable words of one formerly cocaine addicted, currently deceased professional wrestler from the 1980's. He does not approve of your lifestyle. Or anyone's lifestyle. Or life in general I guess... Cause he's dead. He just just didn't approve if life. He was just like nope, and then he just died. Probably. That or the cocaine I guess... it was probably the cocaine.


	18. BE SAFE.

Fake religion  
Based on milkwalker

4 commandments

BE SAFE  
Remain within the sanctity of safety. One cannot enrich ones own life nor the lives of others if they have perished.

Know your full name  
Know yourself. For if you do not, you may never truly know another.

The address where you live  
Know where thou comes from. Remain true to your birthplace, and it shall remain true to you.

The city you live in  
Know thine city, for it represents all the inhabitants that live within it. Inhabitants that shape who you are today.

Your home telephone number  
Know thine telephone number.

 

Our god takes the form of the milk of nature itself.


	19. Overly raunchy joke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp.

I'm about as productive as a stillborn.


	20. OOOOooocean Man.

My friend and I coined a term:  
Ocean Sauce  
As in water.  
We've made a tradition of going to the local Starbucks and asking for Ocean Sauce.


	21. Chapter 21

When I punch you   
Do you think you'll get two black eyes or four?

Ha I get it, cause he has glasses


	22. Chapter 22

There’s an actor that played Sam Adams  
In the “Liberty” documentary series

And he’s almost nowhere. He was good too. Help me find him.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the only self promotion I’ll do.

If you enjoy listening to music that will physically harm you.   
This is me selfishly promoting a YouTube video I put up.

Look up: Please Stop. (believing)

I ruined Don’t Stop Believing, and I’m very proud of it.


	24. Comicon tips (exclusively for people missing limbs.)

For anyone who is missing a limb and needs a cosplay idea. 

Go as a terminator/android/robot-type thing.

Have the limb you're missing be a damaged limb, wear a prosthetic with a hole in it as if you got shot or something.  
So there's a hole that goes all the way through.

People would lose their minds.


	25. Chapter 25

America?

Fuck maybe??


	26. Sad boi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depres

I'm sorry you can't trust me

I'm sorry you can't depend on me.

I'm sorry I'm such an asshole.

I'm sorry I make you sad.

I'm sorry I'm abusive.

I'm sorry I make you worried.

I'm sorry I don't shower regularly.

I'm sorry I forgot to brush my teeth often.

I'm sorry rarely remember deodorant.

I'm sorry I failed my math class.

I'm sorry I failed my permit test twice.

I'm sorry I make you uncomfortable. 

I'm sorry I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm a failure.

I'm sorry I'm insecure.

I'm sorry I'm paranoid.

I'm sorry I'm annoying.

I'm sorry I haven't shaved in 2 weeks.

I'm sorry I'm not good at it.

I'm sorry I'm abusive.

I'm sorry I never say anything new.

I'm sorry I never start the conversation.

I'm sorry I never say anything nice or romantic besides that one thing once. And I'll never ever be able to do that again apparently.

I'm sorry I'm forgetful.

I'm sorry I get nervous.

I'm sorry I'm too cautious.

I'm sorry I take the fun out of things.

I'm sorry that can't make you happy.

I'm sorry you love me.

I'm sorry for all the things I do to you.

I'm sorry for all the things I've done.

I'm sorry for all the things I am.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry that you'll think that all this is because of you. It isn't. I just... thought to myself about stuff last tonight.

I'm sorry that I have so many secrets and that you feel I can't trust you. I just can't even trust myself.

I'm sorry I'm a narcissist.

I'm sorry I used to trick people into thinking I was Bi.

I'm sorry I m Bi.

I'm sorry I'm an Athiest.

I'm sorry your family would hate me.

I'm sorry I lie to them.

I'm sorry I can't cheer you up.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.

Im sorry im not good enough 

Im dirty in not good dnoygh 

I'm sorry I'm not good enough 

Immsorty 

I'm sorry 

I'm sorry

Immsikty 

 

I'm sing 

 

I'm sorry.

 

But I love you.

Please forgive me.

I'm sorry.

Please hold me.


	27. Being like an understanding person like????!

On understanding people you disagree with who have done something wrong or are against your beliefs:

 

People make mistakes and do drugs, people get desperate maybe to leave a bad situation or to solve some problem when they get desperately angry, people get scared of being killed in a terrorist attack or having their kids being molested in s bathroom by a person who is using being transgender as an excuse to molest kids.

Even though the last thing doesn’t happen, people get scared of that

They are blinded by fear and I understand that perfectly. 

So I want to hear them out

Wether those things are real or not,   
the fear they feel very much so is.

And that's important.


	28. Chapter 28

Listen kid, if you don't quit your shit, 

You will never see or hear from your testicles again.


	29. Chapter 29

Girls aren't objects 

People aren't objects

They are experiences, stories. That you get to momentarily be a part of. Now it's up to you to determine wether or not that part is good or bad.


	30. More Greg stuff

SB:

Greg meets a person with a southern accent and makes fun of him the entire time

"Yeehaw I use cacti as butt plugs."

"You know what makes me really wet? 

Grits"

"Dolly Partons face makes me want to fuck a tumbleweed."

"Imma smoke me some gosh dangut tumble WEED. What I'm allowed to make flops. No one can be perfectly funny all the time. Okay? You guys suck."

"Cowboy joke." (Gotta go meta sometimes)

"That vagina's dustier than your grandma durin' the dust bowl."


	31. Chapter 31

Girl in room with boyfriend and dad  
Says "Daddy"   
Both say: “Yes?”


	32. Chapter 32

The worst thing about hugging your pillow, is that your pillow can't hug you back.


	33. Chapter 33

what is a hand fetish? Is that a thing?

 

 

 

 

 

If so I think i have one.


	34. Chapter 34

Why is premature ejac a bad thing?

Because it means the girl can't continue having sex.

No it doesn't. If the guy doesn't end it as soon as he's done,   
she's good. The only reason it'd be a bad thing is if the guy ended it as soon as he was done,  
(a real Dick move if you ask me.)  
Anyways, as long as the guy doesn't end it there it's not a problem for anyone.


	35. Trump is a literal extraterrestrial.

My theory on Donald trump

He's an alien

Reproduces asexually 

He doesn't quite understand familial relationships,

Therefore he doesn't completely know that an incestual relationship is considered "wrong" in our society.

He's from a different society with different rules and customs.

This also explains why he thinks you grab(?) pussy

Also explains 

Hair

Orange skin

Whatever the fuck his lips do all the time

Disproportionately small hands

"Bing bong Bing" (any scientist will tell you those are alien noises)

Weird hand gestures and facial expressions 

1st grader vocabulary   
(He's still Learning English as a second language)


	36. tease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had an idea for a book called tease that’s nothing but this.

Boring text. Don't read this. Seriously it's not anything of interest. It's just a bunch of boring lines where I tell you how uninteresting this is. Dude. Come on. It really is as boring as I'm saying it is. There's nothing to read. You're not learning anything. You aren't gaining any wisdom from this. This is all meaningless. And no I'm not making that into a philosophical thing because then it'd be interesting. 

...

Hey, are you still reading this? Why? Just leave. You're here for nothing.

What do you think I'm lying to you?

Well you're wrong.

Dude just stop reading. You won't get anything out of this. No fancy cheat codes. No combinations or passwords. Not even a ham sandwich. Nothing. 

And no, I'm not telling you if I like ham sandwiches or not because then you'd have learned something.

Ok dude just stop. You aren't proving anything to anyone. No one will be impressed. So, stop.

Ok seriously? You cannot be serious? Why?

Ugh fine. You win. 

The code to the safe is:

51d47e93e25z62n19u8t37s69

 

 

 

 

 

Take out all the numbers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ha. Gotye.

Although it's your fault. You're the one who decided to keep reading.

So if anyone is to blame it's you.

Hey, well if you're gonna stick around you might as well be entertained. So. 

Wanna hear a story?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too bad.


End file.
